The strange/interesting thing about being human is that you can experience/feel different emotions at the same time.
My mom passed away in early March… the official time of death was around 3 AM on a Monday – March 7th. She was my world – my everything that was warm – right and loving in the world. My destination at the end of most days – to see that face of hers – that face that loved me like no other will.
My mom had a stroke when she was 78 years old – and was left without most of her faculties (requiring full-time home care) more specifically her ability to talk – but she could still sing! My mom loved singing like not much else. Singing/music was right behind her faith and family. And for these almost 15 years leading to her death – we sang lots and lots -with video and audio recordings to prove it 🙂
I wrote a bit more about the evening before my mom’s second fatal stroke (you can follow the link below and scroll down to the bottom of the Chronical -for the May 5th entry). I guess writing is a bit therapeutic and revealing for me. I definitely am a thinker and try my best to not suppress feelings or thoughts even the craziest/darkest of thoughts… I have found more times than none – when you trace those thoughts to their source – the thought isn’t as dark or terrible as you might have thought and it loses its power.
So back to the title of this post… looking ahead with grief and excitement… I have to say – these past 15 years leading to my mom’s passing every day all I could think about was how devastated I would be when my mother passed. I mean… I loved her so much – she was my anchor – my energy source – that warmth! And when she was dying in that hospital in early March… I didn’t know where to run… I was afraid – lost – endless flood of tears – I was wondering if I would survive losing her… I guess I didn’t survive in the sense that I’m the same person but I have learned to keep moving – it at least appears that way. Mornings are difficult to get started – some worse than others – but once I get a head of steam – exercise – sit-ups – push-ups pull-ups and run – take a shower – I feel somewhat hopeful with a sense of excitement about my new found freedom. A freedom from seeing my mom suffer -especially these past few years – a freedom from being bound to helping with her care in the evenings – a freedom to rest and think more clearly without worry every night that I would get a call that she died.
I miss her so much – and during the initial shock of her loss in those first days – it was my dear friends that took me in for dinner – that listened to me talk – YouTube videos on Quantum Mechanics/Time – yeah I know… but something about those quantum realm videos that helped me feel like there is something more to our reality- a smidge of hope in a dark time. I also purchased a book on St Francis ‘The Reluctant Saint’. My mother was president of the Franciscan 3rd Order – she was all about the wonder of nature – brother sun – sister moon – the blades of grass under a sky of blue – that was her. My mom lived to be 93 and her life wasn’t a perfect Hollywood movie. She suffered lots of terrible loss -never learned to play violin – lost her daughter/my sister Grace at age 25 – lost her husband-Bruno/my father a few years later at the age of 60. What I learned? Life doesn’t serve up justice to people – based on how good they are – how loving – how amazing – but we carve out a life none the less – and have some damn joyful moments – and those we did! And those memories fuel me… I need them to move forward. And with those memories – with those lessons – I am humbled – I can surrender particular dreams – and I can become who I am supposed to be. Maybe I wont realize all my goals – but it’s the journey and the people that count – my mom had that right and that’s where my excitement comes from. My mom gave me a gift to share with others and I look forward to sharing through my music – through my friendships – through everything I do… I’m not perfect but I’ll keep trying.
If you would like to read a bit more on this topic click this link Chronicle (scroll down to the bottom – May 7th entry)
I hope to see you at a gig soon!
A tribute to my mom…